still breathing

7:22 pm

scarred. broken. it is a constant cycle of thinking that you are okay and then the dark thoughts come out and attack you. walking helps. drinking helps for awhile, but then you are alone and you can’t stand it. pills help. music helps. crying helps. the hardest thing i’ve had to do in the last week is tell my best friend that i have had daily thoughts of ending my life for the past month. telling her the dark place i am in helped lift me out of the depths in some ways, but the excruciating pain maims me everyday.

every morning i want to give up. every night i want to give up. but somehow, someway, i get up and i put a fake smile on my face and do what i have to do. i am not happy. i am not content. i do not feel alive, not the slightest. the only time i feel alive is when i want to punch something or scream. he took so much life out of me.

only God knows why i am still here today, because i myself don’t understand it. i wonder when i am going to break, when i am truly going to fall victim to my suffering. when you get to the end of the day and you are still breathing it is both a gift and a curse. to type these words somehow helps me to understand that what i am feeling is not normal, this pain is not normal. what he did to me is not normal. i feel that my life has been taken from me, yet i am still breathing.

7:31 pm

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mo(u)rning

9:14 am

the only thing that i am sure of now, is that mornings are the hardest part of the day. you wake up alone, just like you fell asleep. you hope that all this was some horrible nightmare, but you know in your heart that its real. your bones feel like splinters and your muscles feel like a hundred pounds of rocks, as you attempt to rise from bed. everything will hurt, from your head to your toes. give yourself some time, no set amount, until you feel that you can get up.

don’t ask too much of yourself in the early morning hours, you’ve been awaken into a world that you no longer see anything in. you will see grey, white, and black. colors won’t mean anything to you. you will look around your room and see painful memories; knowing you don’t have the strength now to take them down, and instead you keep your head down and avoid them.

you look at your hands typing and for some strange reason, you will see yourself as incredibly vulnerable and utterly flawed. you are a human being. you were made to feel the greatest and the worst things in life. so, know that you are not the only one in this world that has ever felt this. it may help to bring a bit of strength to your day.

9:24 am