war of my life

war of my life

6:03 pm

“come out angels, come out ghosts, come out darkness”

in the last week all the things that needed to come together for moving out and moving in fell exactly into place, so why now that i am all settled in do i feel completely unsatisfied? i spent memorial day in my apartment, doing all i could to keep my mind off of you. but that darkness that has built up inside of me for the past month seems to remind me that it exists. the battle that goes on within my mind destroys all peace within a matter of seconds. it is entirely terrifying. i might be on the top floor, but i couldn’t possibly feel any lower.

it has become incredibly obvious to me that this man i have given my heart to is someone that i cant live without. in the end, acknowledging this fact hurts me to my core. beautiful disaster come to mind when i think of him. he has the most wonderful mind, soul and heart… and he has done so many magnificent things in his life. there is the disaster side to his life… the cause of deep pain that was inflicted upon him for so many years. before all of this, i knew that there was a searing pain that he carried everyday, but now i have a whole new perspective of him. it takes true strength to endure such things, i hope you know that.

i’m here. filled with the deepest of agonizing pain. your face and voice appear in my dreams, waking up to a dark room and empty bed, the idea of sleep is thrown out the window. i’ve put myself out there to you, risked my sanity. give me a sign, i need guidance. i need you.

6:19 pm

like a fool i am, and i’ll always be

like a fool i am, and i’ll always be

7:07 pm

i’ve been carrying around a ticking time bomb for over a week. it’s set to go off every minute and each time i feel that it is about to go off, i have to convince myself that it can wait another minute. and those minutes turn into hours, and then days. consuming my time with pointless activities keeps my mind from acknowledging the utter and complete pain that i am in.

i have avoided listening to music at all costs. it’s the most beautiful gift to the world, but it cuts like a knife when you are at the end of your rope. damn you for making me realize how true this pain is. damn you for reminding me the love that i’ve lost.

in the moments that i can close my bedroom door and know that i am truly alone, i can completely breakdown and feel all that i have been holding all day. do i feel better when the tears have dried to my face, with eyes tired and swollen? it’s hard to say… the tears seem to numb me, but yet again, i feel it all.

7:19 pm