like a fool i am, and i’ll always be

7:07 pm

i’ve been carrying around a ticking time bomb for over a week. it’s set to go off every minute and each time i feel that it is about to go off, i have to convince myself that it can wait another minute. and those minutes turn into hours, and then days. consuming my time with pointless activities keeps my mind from acknowledging the utter and complete pain that i am in.

i have avoided listening to music at all costs. it’s the most beautiful gift to the world, but it cuts like a knife when you are at the end of your rope. damn you for making me realize how true this pain is. damn you for reminding me the love that i’ve lost.

in the moments that i can close my bedroom door and know that i am truly alone, i can completely breakdown and feel all that i have been holding all day. do i feel better when the tears have dried to my face, with eyes tired and swollen? it’s hard to say… the tears seem to numb me, but yet again, i feel it all.

7:19 pm

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broken

7:46 pm

snow is silently falling outside my window. candle light is the only light illuminating the room. i feel the tears stinging at my tired eyes. but, i find the need to keep typing… the soothing sound of each press on the keys makes me feel like i have a purpose. my heart and mind were at first one in the same, but they are beginning to separate to tell me that i need to take care of myself. a visit to the doctor reiterated the fact that if i don’t take care of my body, it’s going to shut down… and that is exactly what it has done. but the pain i feel is nothing like the pain i feel in my heart.

my chest aches with melancholy… a thick, dark feeling rushes over me at the most random of times. in the middle of the night i awaken with a start and i am once again reminded that i am alone. and that hurts more than i can put into words now. the memories show in my mind like movies… searing my brain… making me feel each and every single painful moment.

i hate silence. i begin to hear all the things i have anxiety about… all the things that could hurt me more… more than i am already hurt. i somehow make it through everyday by drowning my thoughts with podcasts, mad men, homework, texting my brother… i do it all in an effort to numb my desperate mind.

im scared for tomorrow. i want to fix things, but i am only one part in this. there are a million things i want to say and do to make things better… but i know that i can’t do a single one of them. i pray that tonight my dreams take me away from my pain, even for a mere moment… my heart needs some time to rest.

7:57 pm

Humanity is Lost

8:25 PM

Everyday before I go to work I say a short prayer for peace. I wish for peace in all aspects of my life, especially at work. I have lost hope in humanity and it’s lack of ability to be kind to one another.

7.4 billion people on this planet. All human beings with emotions and a past. Each one of us have our own story that few know from beginning to end. Knowing this fact, I would hope that all people would be forgiving and kind, but I have come to find that hoping for something like this is foolish.

I go to work behind an espresso bar for 6-8 hours a day with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. Hope that the human beings walking through the door are kind in their words and actions. Minutes into my shift I am reminded of the reality that humanity is unforgiving.

It only takes the smallest detail for a customer to have reason to yell, criticize, embarrass and humiliate myself or coworkers. We are students working to pay off our tuition and other bills, all while studying in varying areas, with the hope of changing the world in our own way.But when a fellow human being orders a drink and belittles another human being for a minor mistake, the only change we hope for is a change in customers’s attitude.

Saying thank you has always been important to me, especially as my parents instilled in me from a young age that doing so was the right thing to do. Ever since it has become second nature to me. But I have been shocked to find that I am one of very few people who use the word thank you. It is a rarity to have a customer look you in the eyes and genuinely tell you thank you, and when it does happen, you feel that you have made a difference in someone’s day, even if it was only for a moment.

My purpose of typing these words isn’t to whine about my day to day life as a worker in the service industry, it is a cry out to humanity to treat one another with kindness and respect. No cup of coffee is worth ruining someone’s day and taking a hit at their self esteem. Be the person that brightens even the most run down person. You never know how far a thank you can go until you have been thanked yourself.

Assuming the best, getting the worst

8:32 PM

In my 21 years of life I have tried to assume the best of people. But moving out of my small town opened my eyes to the evils of this world. The man that I love today is the victim of these evils.

The relationships I have had in my entire life can be numbered on one hand, although the feelings involved in these “relationships” could never be counted numerically. I was never the person to bounce around from guy to guy, and in fact didn’t have my first “real” boyfriend until my freshman year of college. Relationships are a relatively new concept to me, but I am not blind to all that comes with making such a commitment. Sadly, the girls in my boyfriend’s past did not.

I am paying for the actions of these reckless and selfish girls, not women no matter their age, even though I have never been unfaithful to my boyfriend. It hurts me deeply to be questioned on the friendships I have, making me feel like I can’t be friends with guys. His view on what girls are like is completely warped and doesn’t represent the woman I am.

I respect myself and him on such a high level that I would never hurt him by being unfaithful in any sense. I am at a crossroads in my life. It is painful to receive the backlash of another person’s actions and I do not deserve to be put in the cross hairs.

 

 

 

 

Myself

9:25 PM

Outside the rain falls against the hot pavement. The fan in my room rotates with peaceful force, ah soothing white noise.

Questions rush through my head, leaving me feeling overwhelmed at what is ahead of me. What will I do after I graduate college? What do I want to do with my life? How can I improve myself? For the past week I have felt that I am missing something in my life, perhaps the lack of direction has caused my mind to worry. One thought leads to another and pretty soon I am drowning in perpetual over thinking. My heart does not question where I am headed in life, and for that I feel strong and courageous. The people around me cheer me on and wish the best for me; I feel entirely blessed.

For myself, I wish to be more confident. It is not the words that flow from others mouths that will boost this, it is thoughts from my own mind and caring words that will heal the pain I have caused myself. With each day I plan to write down my feelings and memories, getting closer to developing the continual positive relationship I desire so strongly with myself.

Living day-to-day in your own skin shouldn’t be a battle. It begins with understanding yourself and the time-table of your emotions. In order to develop love for yourself,¬†you must truly get to know each and every fiber of your being.