still breathing

7:22 pm

scarred. broken. it is a constant cycle of thinking that you are okay and then the dark thoughts come out and attack you. walking helps. drinking helps for awhile, but then you are alone and you can’t stand it. pills help. music helps. crying helps. the hardest thing i’ve had to do in the last week is tell my best friend that i have had daily thoughts of ending my life for the past month. telling her the dark place i am in helped lift me out of the depths in some ways, but the excruciating pain maims me everyday.

every morning i want to give up. every night i want to give up. but somehow, someway, i get up and i put a fake smile on my face and do what i have to do. i am not happy. i am not content. i do not feel alive, not the slightest. the only time i feel alive is when i want to punch something or scream. he took so much life out of me.

only God knows why i am still here today, because i myself don’t understand it. i wonder when i am going to break, when i am truly going to fall victim to my suffering. when you get to the end of the day and you are still breathing it is both a gift and a curse. to type these words somehow helps me to understand that what i am feeling is not normal, this pain is not normal. what he did to me is not normal. i feel that my life has been taken from me, yet i am still breathing.

7:31 pm

war of my life

6:03 pm

“come out angels, come out ghosts, come out darkness”

in the last week all the things that needed to come together for moving out and moving in fell exactly into place, so why now that i am all settled in do i feel completely unsatisfied? i spent memorial day in my apartment, doing all i could to keep my mind off of you. but that darkness that has built up inside of me for the past month seems to remind me that it exists. the battle that goes on within my mind destroys all peace within a matter of seconds. it is entirely terrifying. i might be on the top floor, but i couldn’t possibly feel any lower.

it has become incredibly obvious to me that this man i have given my heart to is someone that i cant live without. in the end, acknowledging this fact hurts me to my core. beautiful disaster come to mind when i think of him. he has the most wonderful mind, soul and heart… and he has done so many magnificent things in his life. there is the disaster side to his life… the cause of deep pain that was inflicted upon him for so many years. before all of this, i knew that there was a searing pain that he carried everyday, but now i have a whole new perspective of him. it takes true strength to endure such things, i hope you know that.

i’m here. filled with the deepest of agonizing pain. your face and voice appear in my dreams, waking up to a dark room and empty bed, the idea of sleep is thrown out the window. i’ve put myself out there to you, risked my sanity. give me a sign, i need guidance. i need you.

6:19 pm

like a fool i am, and i’ll always be

7:07 pm

i’ve been carrying around a ticking time bomb for over a week. it’s set to go off every minute and each time i feel that it is about to go off, i have to convince myself that it can wait another minute. and those minutes turn into hours, and then days. consuming my time with pointless activities keeps my mind from acknowledging the utter and complete pain that i am in.

i have avoided listening to music at all costs. it’s the most beautiful gift to the world, but it cuts like a knife when you are at the end of your rope. damn you for making me realize how true this pain is. damn you for reminding me the love that i’ve lost.

in the moments that i can close my bedroom door and know that i am truly alone, i can completely breakdown and feel all that i have been holding all day. do i feel better when the tears have dried to my face, with eyes tired and swollen? it’s hard to say… the tears seem to numb me, but yet again, i feel it all.

7:19 pm

broken

7:46 pm

snow is silently falling outside my window. candle light is the only light illuminating the room. i feel the tears stinging at my tired eyes. but, i find the need to keep typing… the soothing sound of each press on the keys makes me feel like i have a purpose. my heart and mind were at first one in the same, but they are beginning to separate to tell me that i need to take care of myself. a visit to the doctor reiterated the fact that if i don’t take care of my body, it’s going to shut down… and that is exactly what it has done. but the pain i feel is nothing like the pain i feel in my heart.

my chest aches with melancholy… a thick, dark feeling rushes over me at the most random of times. in the middle of the night i awaken with a start and i am once again reminded that i am alone. and that hurts more than i can put into words now. the memories show in my mind like movies… searing my brain… making me feel each and every single painful moment.

i hate silence. i begin to hear all the things i have anxiety about… all the things that could hurt me more… more than i am already hurt. i somehow make it through everyday by drowning my thoughts with podcasts, mad men, homework, texting my brother… i do it all in an effort to numb my desperate mind.

im scared for tomorrow. i want to fix things, but i am only one part in this. there are a million things i want to say and do to make things better… but i know that i can’t do a single one of them. i pray that tonight my dreams take me away from my pain, even for a mere moment… my heart needs some time to rest.

7:57 pm

Humanity is Lost

8:25 PM

Everyday before I go to work I say a short prayer for peace. I wish for peace in all aspects of my life, especially at work. I have lost hope in humanity and it’s lack of ability to be kind to one another.

7.4 billion people on this planet. All human beings with emotions and a past. Each one of us have our own story that few know from beginning to end. Knowing this fact, I would hope that all people would be forgiving and kind, but I have come to find that hoping for something like this is foolish.

I go to work behind an espresso bar for 6-8 hours a day with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. Hope that the human beings walking through the door are kind in their words and actions. Minutes into my shift I am reminded of the reality that humanity is unforgiving.

It only takes the smallest detail for a customer to have reason to yell, criticize, embarrass and humiliate myself or coworkers. We are students working to pay off our tuition and other bills, all while studying in varying areas, with the hope of changing the world in our own way.But when a fellow human being orders a drink and belittles another human being for a minor mistake, the only change we hope for is a change in customers’s attitude.

Saying thank you has always been important to me, especially as my parents instilled in me from a young age that doing so was the right thing to do. Ever since it has become second nature to me. But I have been shocked to find that I am one of very few people who use the word thank you. It is a rarity to have a customer look you in the eyes and genuinely tell you thank you, and when it does happen, you feel that you have made a difference in someone’s day, even if it was only for a moment.

My purpose of typing these words isn’t to whine about my day to day life as a worker in the service industry, it is a cry out to humanity to treat one another with kindness and respect. No cup of coffee is worth ruining someone’s day and taking a hit at their self esteem. Be the person that brightens even the most run down person. You never know how far a thank you can go until you have been thanked yourself.

Assuming the best, getting the worst

8:32 PM

In my 21 years of life I have tried to assume the best of people. But moving out of my small town opened my eyes to the evils of this world. The man that I love today is the victim of these evils.

The relationships I have had in my entire life can be numbered on one hand, although the feelings involved in these “relationships” could never be counted numerically. I was never the person to bounce around from guy to guy, and in fact didn’t have my first “real” boyfriend until my freshman year of college. Relationships are a relatively new concept to me, but I am not blind to all that comes with making such a commitment. Sadly, the girls in my boyfriend’s past did not.

I am paying for the actions of these reckless and selfish girls, not women no matter their age, even though I have never been unfaithful to my boyfriend. It hurts me deeply to be questioned on the friendships I have, making me feel like I can’t be friends with guys. His view on what girls are like is completely warped and doesn’t represent the woman I am.

I respect myself and him on such a high level that I would never hurt him by being unfaithful in any sense. I am at a crossroads in my life. It is painful to receive the backlash of another person’s actions and I do not deserve to be put in the cross hairs.