scarred. broken. it is a constant cycle of thinking that you are okay and then the dark thoughts come out and attack you. walking helps. drinking helps for awhile, but then you are alone and you can’t stand it. pills help. music helps. crying helps. the hardest thing i’ve had to do in the last week is tell my best friend that i have had daily thoughts of ending my life for the past month. telling her the dark place i am in helped lift me out of the depths in some ways, but the excruciating pain maims me everyday.
every morning i want to give up. every night i want to give up. but somehow, someway, i get up and i put a fake smile on my face and do what i have to do. i am not happy. i am not content. i do not feel alive, not the slightest. the only time i feel alive is when i want to punch something or scream. he took so much life out of me.
only God knows why i am still here today, because i myself don’t understand it. i wonder when i am going to break, when i am truly going to fall victim to my suffering. when you get to the end of the day and you are still breathing it is both a gift and a curse. to type these words somehow helps me to understand that what i am feeling is not normal, this pain is not normal. what he did to me is not normal. i feel that my life has been taken from me, yet i am still breathing.
“come out angels, come out ghosts, come out darkness”
in the last week all the things that needed to come together for moving out and moving in fell exactly into place, so why now that i am all settled in do i feel completely unsatisfied? i spent memorial day in my apartment, doing all i could to keep my mind off of you. but that darkness that has built up inside of me for the past month seems to remind me that it exists. the battle that goes on within my mind destroys all peace within a matter of seconds. it is entirely terrifying. i might be on the top floor, but i couldn’t possibly feel any lower.
it has become incredibly obvious to me that this man i have given my heart to is someone that i cant live without. in the end, acknowledging this fact hurts me to my core. beautiful disaster come to mind when i think of him. he has the most wonderful mind, soul and heart… and he has done so many magnificent things in his life. there is the disaster side to his life… the cause of deep pain that was inflicted upon him for so many years. before all of this, i knew that there was a searing pain that he carried everyday, but now i have a whole new perspective of him. it takes true strength to endure such things, i hope you know that.
i’m here. filled with the deepest of agonizing pain. your face and voice appear in my dreams, waking up to a dark room and empty bed, the idea of sleep is thrown out the window. i’ve put myself out there to you, risked my sanity. give me a sign, i need guidance. i need you.
broken is an understatement. i no longer feel like a complete person. pieces of myself have been scattered all around me… finding them only further my destruction. i don’t see myself as important or wanted, i see myself as a bag of bones and flesh that goes day to day doing the same monotonous tasks just to get by. trying not to completely lose my mind. but it is something i lost weeks ago.
i am entirely frightened of myself. how can you think such destructive thoughts of yourself? you have lived every single second of your life, you know yourself and all the things you have experienced. you are the one thing that you will always have in this life, people will leave you, but you can never run away from yourself. this fact keeps me up at night, because all i want to do is run far away from myself. who have you become? you take pills, smoke, drink and hurt yourself each and everyday, but you won’t stop yourself because stopping means you have to feel once again.
i saw pictures on his refrigerator door, they are now ingrained in my mind. he was smiling and laughing with another girl. she looked at him with this look that left me feeling as if i had been shot in the chest. i lost it all. my soul left my body and i was taken over by the deepest fear and anger i have ever experienced in my life. “you are not good enough”, “you have been replaced”, “he has moved on”. these words echoed through my skull, every cell in my body erupted in complete anguish. “you no longer matter to him”… the words of the devil echoed through my entire being.
fear. it is what i feel in the silent moments. i am afraid of myself. my only wish is for him to hold me and take these feelings away from me, even for a few moments. i am truly hanging by a thread. i am my own worst enemy. when will you notice my pain and allow yourself to hold me. you love me? this is the time i need you to show me. im broken, as are you. i would take you in my arms if only you would allow me to. i’m only human, i can’t do this alone, neither can you.
i’ve lost it all. everything. i feel like i’m on the edge of falling into a pit of despair and deep, agonizing pain. i’ve felt it for long enough. numbing it is all i can think to do. i’m lost.
i’m afraid. not of the shadows within the night or the rustling that echos up to my windows. i’m afraid of myself. going from happy to the deepest darkest depression is much like a splash of freezing water on your face. although, the feeling is much more sinister than this. waves of complete and utter sadness and pain ripple through my body, leaving me feeling completely alien.
the thoughts that run through my mind bring fearful tears to my eyes. you know deep down in your soul, there is something wrong with all of this. you know that the way you are feeling cannot be ignored. be fearful when you find comfort in the darkest of places. when you choose block all light from entering your life, the darkness will make it’s move.
one particular thought seems to be waiting for me at the end of every long, difficult day. when my mind and body are utterly exhausted, my eyes glazed over with tears from the day, the thought jumps out from the darkness and swallows me whole. it is at this time that you will be the most afraid of yourself. don’t ignore this.
the only thing that is getting me through tonight…
all apologies – Nirvana Unplugged
the only thing that i am sure of now, is that mornings are the hardest part of the day. you wake up alone, just like you fell asleep. you hope that all this was some horrible nightmare, but you know in your heart that its real. your bones feel like splinters and your muscles feel like a hundred pounds of rocks, as you attempt to rise from bed. everything will hurt, from your head to your toes. give yourself some time, no set amount, until you feel that you can get up.
don’t ask too much of yourself in the early morning hours, you’ve been awaken into a world that you no longer see anything in. you will see grey, white, and black. colors won’t mean anything to you. you will look around your room and see painful memories; knowing you don’t have the strength now to take them down, and instead you keep your head down and avoid them.
you look at your hands typing and for some strange reason, you will see yourself as incredibly vulnerable and utterly flawed. you are a human being. you were made to feel the greatest and the worst things in life. so, know that you are not the only one in this world that has ever felt this. it may help to bring a bit of strength to your day.