broken is an understatement. i no longer feel like a complete person. pieces of myself have been scattered all around me… finding them only further my destruction. i don’t see myself as important or wanted, i see myself as a bag of bones and flesh that goes day to day doing the same monotonous tasks just to get by. trying not to completely lose my mind. but it is something i lost weeks ago.
i am entirely frightened of myself. how can you think such destructive thoughts of yourself? you have lived every single second of your life, you know yourself and all the things you have experienced. you are the one thing that you will always have in this life, people will leave you, but you can never run away from yourself. this fact keeps me up at night, because all i want to do is run far away from myself. who have you become? you take pills, smoke, drink and hurt yourself each and everyday, but you won’t stop yourself because stopping means you have to feel once again.
i saw pictures on his refrigerator door, they are now ingrained in my mind. he was smiling and laughing with another girl. she looked at him with this look that left me feeling as if i had been shot in the chest. i lost it all. my soul left my body and i was taken over by the deepest fear and anger i have ever experienced in my life. “you are not good enough”, “you have been replaced”, “he has moved on”. these words echoed through my skull, every cell in my body erupted in complete anguish. “you no longer matter to him”… the words of the devil echoed through my entire being.
fear. it is what i feel in the silent moments. i am afraid of myself. my only wish is for him to hold me and take these feelings away from me, even for a few moments. i am truly hanging by a thread. i am my own worst enemy. when will you notice my pain and allow yourself to hold me. you love me? this is the time i need you to show me. im broken, as are you. i would take you in my arms if only you would allow me to. i’m only human, i can’t do this alone, neither can you.