snow is silently falling outside my window. candle light is the only light illuminating the room. i feel the tears stinging at my tired eyes. but, i find the need to keep typing… the soothing sound of each press on the keys makes me feel like i have a purpose. my heart and mind were at first one in the same, but they are beginning to separate to tell me that i need to take care of myself. a visit to the doctor reiterated the fact that if i don’t take care of my body, it’s going to shut down… and that is exactly what it has done. but the pain i feel is nothing like the pain i feel in my heart.
my chest aches with melancholy… a thick, dark feeling rushes over me at the most random of times. in the middle of the night i awaken with a start and i am once again reminded that i am alone. and that hurts more than i can put into words now. the memories show in my mind like movies… searing my brain… making me feel each and every single painful moment.
i hate silence. i begin to hear all the things i have anxiety about… all the things that could hurt me more… more than i am already hurt. i somehow make it through everyday by drowning my thoughts with podcasts, mad men, homework, texting my brother… i do it all in an effort to numb my desperate mind.
im scared for tomorrow. i want to fix things, but i am only one part in this. there are a million things i want to say and do to make things better… but i know that i can’t do a single one of them. i pray that tonight my dreams take me away from my pain, even for a mere moment… my heart needs some time to rest.