scarred. broken. it is a constant cycle of thinking that you are okay and then the dark thoughts come out and attack you. walking helps. drinking helps for awhile, but then you are alone and you can’t stand it. pills help. music helps. crying helps. the hardest thing i’ve had to do in the last week is tell my best friend that i have had daily thoughts of ending my life for the past month. telling her the dark place i am in helped lift me out of the depths in some ways, but the excruciating pain maims me everyday.
every morning i want to give up. every night i want to give up. but somehow, someway, i get up and i put a fake smile on my face and do what i have to do. i am not happy. i am not content. i do not feel alive, not the slightest. the only time i feel alive is when i want to punch something or scream. he took so much life out of me.
only God knows why i am still here today, because i myself don’t understand it. i wonder when i am going to break, when i am truly going to fall victim to my suffering. when you get to the end of the day and you are still breathing it is both a gift and a curse. to type these words somehow helps me to understand that what i am feeling is not normal, this pain is not normal. what he did to me is not normal. i feel that my life has been taken from me, yet i am still breathing.
with the start of a new month, i felt like it would be a worthy time to get on track with my writing. within the writings to express my current state or just to get things off my chest, i am going to be answering 22 questions that will help me become better aware of myself. these entries will be called self-knowledge… i pray that they will allow me to open up to myself, something that is a bit frightening to me. with that being said, here i go.
day 1: write about something i thought about a lot as a child
living on a ranch as a child, i was sheltered from the rest of the world. i had very few friends, usually only seeing them at school. my brother was, and still is, my best friend. but, as he is 3 years older than me, he reached an age where he was helping my parents in the fields, leaving just me for the majority of the day. during these times, specifically the summer, i would spend the majority of my days alone… and i absolutely loved it. i had made up all these businesses in my mind that i would work at and talk to customers and such, talking to myself, making up conversations. only when my family was around did i feel strange for talking to myself, but when i was alone i was in my own world, i was incredibly comfortable and happy. the dogs and cats would follow me around to all the places that i would walk on the ranch, of course talking to them as well. i remember a time that i would lay out on the deck with the dogs, blankets for each of us, reading to them for hours. i would even bring snacks for us. i didn’t care that there was no one really around to talk to besides my family, i was delighted to be living in a world that i had created entirely from my mind.
it makes me smile now thinking of all the time that i spent alone, as i was able to escape into a world of adventure without judgement. my mom always thought that it was a bad thing that i had spent so much time by myself, although i think it helped me become more independent. i am reminded every now and then how lucky i was to grow up on a ranch with wide open space to go on adventures, as i know now that even as a young girl, i was finding myself.
in my heart and mind i will always hold a special place for the little lindsey will red hair and flowers in her hands.
“come out angels, come out ghosts, come out darkness”
in the last week all the things that needed to come together for moving out and moving in fell exactly into place, so why now that i am all settled in do i feel completely unsatisfied? i spent memorial day in my apartment, doing all i could to keep my mind off of you. but that darkness that has built up inside of me for the past month seems to remind me that it exists. the battle that goes on within my mind destroys all peace within a matter of seconds. it is entirely terrifying. i might be on the top floor, but i couldn’t possibly feel any lower.
it has become incredibly obvious to me that this man i have given my heart to is someone that i cant live without. in the end, acknowledging this fact hurts me to my core. beautiful disaster come to mind when i think of him. he has the most wonderful mind, soul and heart… and he has done so many magnificent things in his life. there is the disaster side to his life… the cause of deep pain that was inflicted upon him for so many years. before all of this, i knew that there was a searing pain that he carried everyday, but now i have a whole new perspective of him. it takes true strength to endure such things, i hope you know that.
i’m here. filled with the deepest of agonizing pain. your face and voice appear in my dreams, waking up to a dark room and empty bed, the idea of sleep is thrown out the window. i’ve put myself out there to you, risked my sanity. give me a sign, i need guidance. i need you.
broken is an understatement. i no longer feel like a complete person. pieces of myself have been scattered all around me… finding them only further my destruction. i don’t see myself as important or wanted, i see myself as a bag of bones and flesh that goes day to day doing the same monotonous tasks just to get by. trying not to completely lose my mind. but it is something i lost weeks ago.
i am entirely frightened of myself. how can you think such destructive thoughts of yourself? you have lived every single second of your life, you know yourself and all the things you have experienced. you are the one thing that you will always have in this life, people will leave you, but you can never run away from yourself. this fact keeps me up at night, because all i want to do is run far away from myself. who have you become? you take pills, smoke, drink and hurt yourself each and everyday, but you won’t stop yourself because stopping means you have to feel once again.
i saw pictures on his refrigerator door, they are now ingrained in my mind. he was smiling and laughing with another girl. she looked at him with this look that left me feeling as if i had been shot in the chest. i lost it all. my soul left my body and i was taken over by the deepest fear and anger i have ever experienced in my life. “you are not good enough”, “you have been replaced”, “he has moved on”. these words echoed through my skull, every cell in my body erupted in complete anguish. “you no longer matter to him”… the words of the devil echoed through my entire being.
fear. it is what i feel in the silent moments. i am afraid of myself. my only wish is for him to hold me and take these feelings away from me, even for a few moments. i am truly hanging by a thread. i am my own worst enemy. when will you notice my pain and allow yourself to hold me. you love me? this is the time i need you to show me. im broken, as are you. i would take you in my arms if only you would allow me to. i’m only human, i can’t do this alone, neither can you.
i’ve lost it all. everything. i feel like i’m on the edge of falling into a pit of despair and deep, agonizing pain. i’ve felt it for long enough. numbing it is all i can think to do. i’m lost.
i’m afraid. not of the shadows within the night or the rustling that echos up to my windows. i’m afraid of myself. going from happy to the deepest darkest depression is much like a splash of freezing water on your face. although, the feeling is much more sinister than this. waves of complete and utter sadness and pain ripple through my body, leaving me feeling completely alien.
the thoughts that run through my mind bring fearful tears to my eyes. you know deep down in your soul, there is something wrong with all of this. you know that the way you are feeling cannot be ignored. be fearful when you find comfort in the darkest of places. when you choose block all light from entering your life, the darkness will make it’s move.
one particular thought seems to be waiting for me at the end of every long, difficult day. when my mind and body are utterly exhausted, my eyes glazed over with tears from the day, the thought jumps out from the darkness and swallows me whole. it is at this time that you will be the most afraid of yourself. don’t ignore this.
the only thing that is getting me through tonight…
all apologies – Nirvana Unplugged